It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
