Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
