I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize