it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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