she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
