Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
