I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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