I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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