he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
