OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
