You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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