You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
