When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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