allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
