I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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