i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
