the condom got lost in my hair
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
