I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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