i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
