Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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