New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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