ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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