my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
