if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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