I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
