Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
be right there i have to get my cape
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
