Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
