Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Me too!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
40s are totally the cure
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
