help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
