i think i have herpe
just one?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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