happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
