Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
