You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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