It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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