gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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