wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
