paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
