jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
