Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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