I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have fence marks all over my body
The Olympian is in my bed
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
