My first STD was from a foam party
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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