No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
