shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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