Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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