I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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