I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize