So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
