my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
