my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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