Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
