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weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Drake has all the answers
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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