Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
