"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
