Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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