Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
