She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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