I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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