Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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