She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize