Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
