what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
