I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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