I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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